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With breakups often come an exquisite mix of disappointment, rejection, anger, fear, and grief. Sometimes, there’s also debilitating jealousy, or even a strange sense of relief—but no matter the particular blend of feelings, one thing is certain: getting over a breakup can be brutal, regardless of who initiated the split.
“Breakups are challenging because relationships are deeply rooted in our emotions, routines, and sense of identity,” explains sexologist and relationship coach Allie Theis. “When a relationship ends, it’s not just the person you’re losing—you also lose the shared memories, dreams, and the future you envisioned together.”
And the hurt is not solely emotional. Losing your beloved actually triggers the brain’s anterior cingulate cortex and insula—the same regions that process physical pain. “Add in attachment, unresolved feelings, and societal pressure, and it’s no wonder breakups often feel like the end of the world,” says Theis.
While there’s no easy way through a breakup, there are healthy ways to process the pain—and, hopefully, come out on the other side stronger than before. “Breakups give you the chance to rebuild yourself and become the best version of who you are.” says therapist Misty Williams. “You get to focus entirely on your own expectations and priorities without anyone else’s influence. Think of it as cutting down a huge, shady tree that’s been blocking your sunlight. Now you can grow freely and bloom again.”
Below, expert advice on how to do just that.
How to accept that a relationship is over
Accepting that a relationship is over is a major step towards healing—and ultimately moving on. But often, it’s easier said than done. We might find ourselves romanticizing the good times, fixating on the past, or clinging to the hope of reconciling down the line. Yet more often than not, such behaviors only make the suffering worse.
“It’s important to stop focusing on what-if scenarios, like whether you’ll get back together or what you could’ve done differently,” says Williams. “Acceptance starts with acknowledgement.”
Practicing what Buddhists and dialectical behavior therapists call “radical acceptance” can help. This requires a level of surrender, and the cognizance that certain circumstances are simply beyond our control. “Acceptance does not mean that we like or agree with what is happening,” says therapist Kristin Money. “Acceptance means that we choose to allow ourselves to feel what we need to feel without judgment.”
The non-judgment part of this process is key—especially because, as Money points out, the rawness of heartbreak is often accompanied by shame and self-doubt. “When we accept something completely, we usually find that we feel all kinds of emotions: anger, sadness, frustration, relief, and so forth,” she explains. “Accept that many different emotions may show up, acknowledge them, feel them, release them, and refrain from shaming them.”
Tips for getting over a break-up
At the core of any breakup is loss—and loss is almost always accompanied by grief. It’s hard and it hurts, but remember: Grief is a process that can’t be rushed. Don’t avoid the uncomfortable emotions or push them down; instead, acknowledge that your relationship was important to you and that it’s perfectly normal—and even healthy—to be incredibly hurt, disappointed, and saddened by its end. “Validating the complicated mix of emotions that you are experiencing can help with accepting that a meaningful piece of our life has come to an end,” says certified sex therapist Amy Julia Cheyfitz. As the spiritual teacher Ram Dass once put it: “Rather than close ourselves to grief, it helps to realize that we only grieve for what we love.”
To that end, give yourself plenty of time and space to feel whatever you’re feeling. “Carve out some quiet time to sit with your emotions—whether it’s sadness, anger, or confusion,” advises intuitive wellness coach Elle Serafina. “Emotions are like waves in the ocean; when we allow them to flow through us, they eventually subside, leaving us feeling lighter.”
So go ahead: break out your journal, crank up the Taylor Swift, cry in the shower, and write an angry letter to your ex that you’ll never send—whatever you need to do to express the grief. “Think of it this way: The feelings are there whether or not we allow ourselves to acknowledge them,” says psychotherapist Lauren Farina. “Expressing them is a way of outing them so that they are not stored in the body or in the subconscious.” As the saying goes, the only way out is through.
Speaking of space, most experts agree that going “no contact”—or, avoiding any communication with your ex—is crucial to moving on. Science backs this up: Research shows that staying in contact with a former partner can prolong psychological stress and prevent the brain from forming the new neural pathways it needs to readjust. Staying in contact can also contribute to the release of dopamine, adversely impacting our ability to detach from an ex emotionally. “Going no contact for at least a few months gives your brain the opportunity to establish a life that doesn’t include them,” says psychotherapist Amy Morin.
With that in mind, it’d be wise to also avoid looking at your ex’s social media accounts, photos of them, old love notes, or any other tangible reminders of a version of the relationship that no longers exists. You may even want to skip spending time with mutual friends—at least for a little while, until things feel more stable.
In the aftermath of a breakup, it can be tempting to let your wellness routine slide. But, as licensed professional counselor Baxlee Bynum, Ph.D says, it’s actually an ideal time to put extra effort into cherishing yourself. “Moving forward from a breakup means creating a new normal,” she says. “You’re not just getting over a breakup, you’re creating a new way of life. That takes a lot of strength, courage, and energy.”
In other words, you have a choice: You can use the breakup as an excuse to fall apart—or you can see it as a opportunity to invest in yourself. Licensed professional counselor Maegan Renee, PhD, says your future self will thank you for choosing the latter: “Use the energy of a breakup to create the healthiest and most productive version of yourself to set a strong foundation for your rebuilding,” she says. “The best revenge is living well—not that you need revenge, but the notion could be positive motivation to maintain success.”
Prioritizing self-care has the added advantage of helping to boost confidence and self-esteem—both of which, let’s face it, usually plummet when we’re heartbroken. In addition to prioritizing the wellness basics—nutrition, hydration, sleep, and endorphin-boosting exercise—try to treat yourself well. Schedule a massage; buy yourself flowers at the farmer’s market; take hot baths. “Developing positive rituals creates comfort and predictability,” advises licensed professional counselor Jennifer Melancon. Plus, “helpful habits and routine can alleviate feelings of uncertainty, powerlessness, and anxiety. Structure can lead to more freedom.”
To that end, it’s also important to focus your attention on the activities and relationships that bring you happiness and calm. Set new goals. Take a class. Book a trip. Spend time with those in your life who are unwavering fans of you. “Remember who you were before the relationship and to pour into your own joy and growth again,” says Williams, who also recommends reconnecting with the hobbies, interests, and friendships that may have slipped off your list of priorities during the relationship.
One word to the wise: Do try to avoid jumping into another relationship before you’re ready. The initial burst of excitement and lust might feel good, but it could also prevent you from really processing why your prior relationship faltered—and only lead to more broken hearts down the line.
“Breakups often carry valuable lessons,” says Serafina. Identifying them can take a little soul-searching, but that work—of considering how you’ve grown or changed since the start of the relationship; or what you’d like to do differently in the next one—will be well worth it.
Just be gentle with yourself during that process. “Challenge negative thoughts and self-blame,” says therapist Steevy Griffin. “Remember that relationships involve two people, and both parties contribute to the dynamic. Practice self-compassion and give yourself grace.”
On that note, it is also helpful to consider what didn’t work about the relationship. “Make a list of things that didn’t align with you,” advises Griffin. “This can help when you begin to romanticize only the good parts of being together.” It can also help to underscore what values and characteristics you do want in a future partner—and transform a sense of loss into a sense of opportunity.
Besides reconnecting with friends, family, and mentors who will hear and recieve you without judgement, if you’re able, you may also want to seek professional support. After all, there may be no better time than in the aftermath of a breakup to explore your attachment style, coping mechanisms, ways of communicating, and unhelpful patterns. “A therapist can help you navigate your emotions with greater clarity, provide tools to heal, and guide you toward a renewed sense of balance and perspective,” Serafina says.
How long does it take to get over a breakup?
Here’s the truth: There is no catch-all answer. Every situation and relationship is different. “It really depends on how intertwined your lives became, whether you share responsibilities like children or pets, the commitments and dreams you built for the future, and the milestones or challenges you experienced together,” says Serafina, who adds that a toxic dynamic, being ghosted, or experiencing a betrayal like infidelity can also impact the time it takes to heal.
Like any form of grief, the process isn’t likely to feel linear. Most people bounce around between the five stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—perhaps lingering in some longer than others. The important thing is to let yourself experience each phase as it comes. “Release any expectation that you should have arrived somewhere other than the place you are right now,” says Griffin.
The upside of a breakup
Hard as it may be to believe, a breakup can actually be the beginning of a beautiful journey back to yourself—the loss gradually making space for the new. “Breakups teach you valuable lessons about what you want, what you don’t, and how to spot red flags early on,” says Williams. “When the time is right, you’ll be ready for a healthier, stronger relationship—one that’s truly meant for you.”
“The opportunities are endless,” adds Melancon. “Your relationship was just part of your story. Now you get to write the rest.”
