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If you’ve ever wondered how to say no to being a bridesmaid in a friend or family member’s wedding, it’s safe to say you might have struggled with a perfect way to go about it. Having someone invite you to be in their bridal party is a huge honor as well as a major ask. “[It] is a lot of responsibility to take on, and it takes a lot of time throughout six or 12 months,” says event and wedding planner Yifat Oren. “In the end, not everyone can take that time and some of these expenses on.” While it's appropriate wedding etiquette to be upfront with the bride if you have any hesitations about saying “I do” to bridesmaid duties or other jobs, you also want to toe the fine line of not offending them or hurting your relationship if you want to say no.
“I think one of the hard and fast rules is when this question gets asked of you is to ask about what the role entails? You can even say to someone, ‘Oh my gosh, from a totally emotional point, yes, I’m there 100 percent. But tell me what the actual logistics are and the expectations that you have, because it’s your day and you should really have a group of people that can meet that expectation,’” advises Lizzie Post, an etiquette expert who is the co-president, author, and spokesperson for The Emily Post Institute. “That’s a good way to figure out what’s going on and what's expected of you. Whether or not you can do those things is up to you.”
“Personally, I think it’s okay to decline being a part of someone’s wedding as long as you have a real-life, legitimate excuse,” says editor and former Moda Operandi communications director Hayley Bloomingdale, who’s been in such delicate situations herself. “If you genuinely can’t make it to the actual nuptials, then obviously, the bride will understand. If you can’t afford to be a bridesmaid because of umpteen bridal showers, bachelorettes, engagement parties, and lingerie showers, then speak up, send one really thoughtful gift, and then politely decline attendance to all the other events.”
Still, it’s tough to be in the position of turning down a hopeful bride. And, what if you’re approached to take on a role that needs to take on more responsibility like a maid of honor? Here, wedding experts offer tips on how to say no to being a bridesmaid (and still be a good friend).
How to Say No to Being a Bridesmaid
If imagining serving as a bridesmaid gives you anxiety, don’t ignore that impulse. If you really just don’t want to be a part of a bridal party, have that conversation early on. “You can say no. Nobody can control the reaction you get from your friend that you say no to,” says Post. “I think let someone know that you are so happy for them and you want to support them. You can say, ‘I really, really am honored to be asked to be a bridesmaid. However, it’s a role I found I’m not great at playing. Is there anything else you would love to have or a way that I could support you during the wedding like a reading, helping with a guest book, or gathering up all the gifts for you to get them to the car and make sure nothing’s missed. Is there anything like that that I could do for you instead?’” The etiquette expert adds, “It is an honor to be asked so I think making sure that you acknowledge that goes a long way towards the rejection that's about to be delivered.”
When it comes to matrimonial commitments, financial transparency is key, says event and wedding planner Brianne Garritano, adding that weddings, and the cost of being a bridesmaid, are more complex nowadays. According to a study by The Knot, the average costs of being a bridesmaid in 2023 came close to $2000 for costs including gifts, dresses, hair and makeup, and bachelorette parties. “Be really truthful about what your limitations are, and your friend is going to be, of course, disappointed but more thankful in the long run,” Garritano says.
If being a bridesmaid is outside of your current financial budget, you don’t have to go into debt just because you were asked. “It can be really, really hard,” shares Post. “You feel like you’re letting someone down, and yet at the same time, it’s their event, it’s not your event. They’re doing it on their budget and their scale and with their requirements to fit their dream—it's okay if you can’t actually participate in that. Even though often people think it’s not polite to talk about money, this is an instance where letting someone know that the budget is prohibitive for you is an important one.” She adds being upfront about not being able to take time off work is another very valid reason for bowing out of festivities.
If you’re worried about the financial and time commitment of pre-wedding events for the bridal party, Post reveals an etiquette rule that many might not know. “Bridesmaids are not required to go to any of those events—bachelorette party, showers, anything,” she shares. “What they are required to do is show up for the rehearsal, the ceremony, and the reception. Typically, you would think they’d be required as long as their travel schedule allows them to attend something like a bridesmaid’s luncheon because it is being thrown for them. But nobody has to say yes to any of those parties."
How to Say No to Being a Maid of Honor
Speaking of taking the lead, serving as the maid of honor is a time-consuming role that’s not to be taken lightly. And if you’re in the unenviable position of having to decline the position, don’t waste any time telling the bride. “You should tell her right away, as soon as possible,” says event and wedding planner Mindy Weiss, adding that the conversation should take place in person when possible, and over the phone if not. The key is to have it as soon as you can. “The longer you wait, the more difficult it is on yourself and the bride. So as soon as you have an inkling that you may not be able to make the commitment, you should let her know. Don’t leave her in a bind; don’t put shock value on it. The sooner the better."
Also, watch the impulse to feel defensive—even if the invite puts you on the spot or makes you feel uncomfortable. “Don’t be angry,” Weiss says. “Just be gentle, be honest, and talk about it. There could be financial reasons you can’t participate, or it could be that you don’t have enough time to do it and you don’t want to disappoint. Explain that gently, and the bride will understand.”
Feel like you aren’t the kind of organizational leader to take on the tasks required of a maid of honor? You’re allowed to bow out, or ask to just be a regular bridal party member. Post shares, “It is okay to just say, even without budget or time being a reason, ‘I am so honored by the offer, but this is not a role that I feel good playing and it’s nothing to do with our relationship. I love you. I support you. I am so excited to go to your wedding and I’m really happy for you. But please don't ask me to be that.’” She adds, “A lot of us know when we have a friend who this will be torture for. You know what I mean? Give her the break. Ask your cousin instead.”