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Newly engaged? You’re probably ready to book a venue and buy a dream dress. But first, there’s one major question you have to address: who pays for the wedding? Determining your wedding budget is an essential first step in planning your celebration, but it's important to understand who can contribute to the costs of the day. While weddings were often paid by the couple's parents in the past, the tides have changed.
“These days, anything goes when it comes to paying for a wedding. Engaged couples taking care of the finances is on the rise,” says Kylie Carlson, the CEO of the International Academy of Wedding & Event Planning. “At the same time, the tradition of the bride’s parents contributing is still very prevalent, especially in particular regions. With some weddings, costs are split between the couples and other members of the family. You’ll also run into scenarios where parents are divorced or remarried, and splitting the costs. Grandparents may chip in—it really does depend on each individual wedding.” When it comes to nuptials, it truly works on a case-by-case basis.
As you navigate your own wedding, budget, and cost-splitting, here are some things to keep in mind as you figure out who pays for what.
Who Traditionally Pays for the Wedding
According to traditional wedding etiquette, the bride’s family assumes most of the financial costs associated with a wedding, including the wedding planner, invitations, dress, ceremony, reception, flowers, photography, and music. “It’s harder to think about this now—and I am a feminist—but historically it has to do with the ancient practice of a bride’s family giving a dowry to the groom for assuming the ‘burden’ of a bride,” says Lizzie Post, co-president of the Emily Post Institute (and the great-great-granddaughter of Emily Post). The bride’s parents also traditionally hosted the engagement party.
The groom’s family traditionally paid for all costs associated with the rehearsal dinner and honeymoon, wedding day transportation, and the officiant. The groom also paid for the bride’s engagement ring, wedding ring, and groomsmen gifts. It is also common for the groom’s family to pay for the alcohol at the reception. Yet it’s important to remember this adage from Emily Post’s Wedding Etiquette guide: “Traditions make weddings special, and a spending plan should be something that facilitates these traditions, not a burden to be held against an old and outdated standard.”
If certain family members are covering the majority of wedding costs, their contributions are traditionally noted on the invitations. “If the bride’s family is paying for the wedding, their name should come first and almost exclusively,” says Post. For example, the invitation would then begin with something like: “Dr. and Mrs. Arthur Smith request the honor of your presence at the wedding of their daughter Mary Ann to Everett Montgomery.” If both sets of parents are paying, you can opt for wording like: “Charles and Delaney Tout and Harold and Claudia Kohn invite you to celebrate with their children Amelia and Stephen.”
Ahead, we break down the traditional breakdown of wedding costs.
- The groom’s wedding ring
- Bridesmaids’ lunch or party
- Wedding party gifts
- Invitations and announcements
- Wedding gown and accessories
- Floral arrangements and corsages
- Ceremony arrangements
- The reception party and vendors, like food
- Necessary transportation
- Wedding photographer and videographer
- Bride’s engagement and wedding rings
- Wedding attire
- Wedding party gifts
- Groomsmen lunch or party
- Officiant fee and marriage license
- Rehearsal dinner costs
- Music (DJ or band)
- Drinks, including alcohol, for the reception
- Honeymoon expenses
It's important to note that these traditions vary by the family's background. While Western weddings typically follow this division of financial responsibility, both Chinese and Russian cultures swap the standard with the groom's family paying for the majority of the wedding. For same-sex or non-binary couples, the rules are much more fluid. The wedding could be split evenly amongst the couple's families or be paid for by themselves.
How to talk to parents about paying for the wedding
It is best for the bride and groom to have a private discussion first before speaking to their parents about helping to cover costs. “Please, please talk about costs up front,” says East Coast event expert Rebecca Gardner. Post agrees. She advises couples to then delicately broach the subject with family members. “It is best to phrase it as, ‘We were wondering if you would like to contribute to the wedding,’” Post suggests, adding that couples should emphasize that they are “not expecting anything.” If parents are willing to contribute, ask them to be clear about their expectations and what they are, or aren’t, willing to pay for.
“Communication is key to keeping the peace. The last thing you want is a misunderstanding and you find yourself coming up short, or someone feeling like they need to contribute more than they expected,” adds Carlson.
If your family is helping to significantly foot the bill, you might find yourself in tricky situations where they are insisting on their way rather than your way. If you can foresee that happening, you may want to consider taking care of the expenses yourself. “You’ll be far calmer having the wedding you want on your terms, even if you ultimately end up scaling back the festivities,” says Carlson.
How much couples contribute on average
Today, more couples are directly contributing to the wedding. Simultaneously, more grooms’ families are also willing to split costs. Want specific statistics? According to a recent survey by The Knot, on average, parents contribute to 50% of the wedding budget, while couples pay the remaining half. Meanwhile, Zola found that one-third of couples are covering all of their wedding costs on their own.
Curious if older couples are expected to pay more? “Age has very little to do with paying for the wedding,” says Carlson. “It’s really more about how financially sound the couple is on their own, as well as the role their family wants to play in the wedding.” Post agrees: “Age shouldn’t be a factor when contributing. Whether you are getting married in your 40s or 30s or 20s, a parent should want to help, as long as it is financially viable for them.”
Wondering how to word invitations if the couple pays? If the bride and groom are paying for the wedding, then only their names need to be on the invite. If it is a combination of the couple and parents, something like the following works, according to Emily Post’s Etiquette Centennial: “Together with our families, Casey Collet and Felix Edgers invite you to join in celebrating their marriage.”
What the wedding party pays for
In addition to the small duties of providing emotional support or searching for the groom's missing bowtie, a wedding party member may also be expected to contribute financially to a portion of the events. Traditionally, the wedding party will pay for their own personal attire and a gift for the couple. They are also expected to pay for their own travel to the wedding. In some cases, a couple and their families may help cover the costs of their lodging, but it's not expected.
There also is the question of how the wedding party will contribute to other events. If invited to a shower, the attending wedding party member will be expected to bring a gift. A maid of honor may also pay for the costs of a bridal shower if she is hosting, or split the bill with one or multiple of the bride’s family members who offer to co-host. If attending a bachelor or bachelorette party, the wedding party member will be expected to pay for their travel and a portion of othe verall costs for the event.
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